Baby Proof Your Life: Creating Healthy Boundaries for Enjoyable Relationships

Good fences make good neighbors, right? On some level, sure. Fences create a clear parameter between what is mine and what is yours, making that boundary line abundantly clear. We often feel protected by fences because they keep people away from us. Often people envision relational boundaries to be a lot like a fence, a clear division between you and me. The problem with this is that boundaries are intended to be flexible and evolving, more similar to baby proofing our home.

Relational boundaries are parameters that we put up in relationships to protect ourselves. Sometimes the term boundaries are used in a negative light, often portraying a term we only utilize when someone does something and we want to create boundaries as a form of punishment. What we don’t realize is that boundaries are a good thing, and we encounter them literally every day.

Some examples of boundaries that we encounter but don’t think of include the expectation of showing up on time for an appointment. If you’re scheduled at 2:30, you show up at least before 2:30. And if you end up arriving late, generally we feel compelled to apologize for being late (because we violated a clear boundary). Another example is that you probably aren’t walking into work and telling your boss about a recent sexual encounter you had (at least I hope not). The list goes on and on.

So instead of thinking of boundaries like a fence; rigid, clear, and one-time, think of boundaries like baby proofing your house, flexible, evaluated often, and evolving. When my kids were little babies, we made sure the outlets were covered, stairs were blocked, and access to certain cabinets (cleaning supplies, knives, etc.) were all restricted. As they’ve gotten older, we no longer need some of those things baby proofed. My 3.5-year-old son, who can now karate kick the baby gate open, can go up and down the stairs freely because he is stable enough to do so. My 2-year-old daughter is no longer attempting to stick silverware in every electrical outlet that she sees, so we stopped plugging them. However, now that they’re a little older and now know what the ‘good’ foods are and are making attempts to climb the cabinets, we now have to hide certain foods to restrict their access. And because their access is restricted to the areas of the house that are potentially harmful, I can focus my time and energy on doing things with them that we enjoy. Could you imagine how stressful it would be if I had to yell at them every time they tried to pull a knife out, or went digging in the cleaning products?

Here are some tips to help improve boundary implementation:

-Focus on where/what people CAN do versus CAN’T: Maybe you’re not comfortable talking about certain subjects, that’s fine, but also identify subjects that you can talk about. It may be perfectly reasonable to share with your boss about the baseball game you recently went to, or your upcoming travel plans to see your family member. Maybe hosting family members in your home has been a significant source of stress and you can no longer tolerate having them there. Could you continue the relationship with plans to meet outside of the home at a restaurant, coffee shop, or park?

-Be flexible: Allow some opportunity for discussion and/or compromise. At times, it may be necessary to put a boundary in place with or without the consent of the other individual, I do recognize that. But most of the time people will be pretty willing to work with you and you will have a higher likelihood of follow through if the boundary is set collaboratively.

-Be clear: Often we put boundaries in place without explanation or expression as to why that boundary is important. For the other person that may feel like constantly running into red tape. State your observation, feeling, and need from the other individual. I.e. “We have been 20-minutes late for the last three events. I feel stressed when we are running late. I need you to be timely or we may need to consider driving separately. What ideas do you have to help us leave on time?”

-Evaluate often: Often I see people feel upset by this as they see this as a sign of disrespect. Know that it is human nature to push boundaries, we do it all the time. Despite receiving a speeding ticket recently, I still speed. Initially after my speeding ticket I cleaned up my act and followed the rules. But over time I pushed it and justified it because ‘I’m running late,’ or thinking ‘it should be 45mph here anyway,’ or because it’s a rural road. That is an example of pushing a boundary. When people are pushing the boundaries that you have put in place let it serve as a reminder tore-evaluate the need for that boundary. If the problem is no longer present, or the significance of that problem has reduced, can you do without this boundary? If the need is indicated, gently remind the other person of the boundary and re-affirm the need for it.

We hope this information is helpful in evaluating the health of your relationships. If you find yourself continuously frustrated with someone in your life, you may want to consider what boundaries may be needed to get back on track. Of course, boundary setting is difficult work and can be exhausting, but hopefully worthwhile. If you’re having difficulty with identifying what boundaries are needed, how to put them in place, or are feeling restricted by overly rigid boundaries, please consider reaching out and engaging in counseling service. Our team at River Haven Counseling are well versed in boundary setting and maintenance strategies and are happy to help.

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